Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 - 12:16 a.m.

I am feeling disturbed tonight.

I need to sleep, but first I have to get this off my chest.

The person that I want to be is a person that loves, accepts and empowers others. However, I've never thought of myself as being perfect at this, or even anything near perfect. But it's what I pray and strive for. And, it's a huge reason for why I want to be social worker. I know it sounds too cheesey to almost everybody, but I really think this world would be a better place if we could just love and accept eachother, and I think that it has to start within ourselves.

So, I'm going along in my journey wanting to love, and wanting to be accepting, and doing my best to learn as much about empowering others as I can, when I hit this HUGE wall. Okay, more specifically this afternoon, I hit a huge wall...

Those who know me well, know that I tend to lean towards the spiritual side of things. Yes, I have a set of beliefs that I hold dear to me, they give my life more meaning, and I think, they help me to be a better person.

However, though I do have my own set of beliefs, I am very interested in what others believe also. I love to meet a person who has a passion for something. I love to meet people who will share what they care about and allow me to learn from them.

I honestly believe that we can get so much more out of life by learning and getting something valuable to hold as our own from everyone we meet. Can you imagine a world full of people just like yourself? That would be nightmare for me! I believe that every culture and every religion holds a beauty and a richness that we can benefit from, if we open our hearts to it.

Today the way that I percieve myself to be was hit by a truck, and I am now trying to nurse it back, help it into recovery and hopefully in seeing the weaknesses, I can have more honesty in the progress and eventually it can be stronger than it has ever been.

Someone that I consider to know me quite well, informed me today that I am judgemental and closed minded when it comes to other people's religions. And though I have considered us to have a comfortable relationship, actually refused to have any type of conversation with me what-so-ever about a simple statement she made having to do with a Bible text (I had asked where to find it, out of honest curiousity), and this was due to her perception of me being this way. Even after assuring her that I was in no way wanting to change her mind or debate anything, that I just didn't realize that this was said and wanted to read it, she absolutely refused to share the text with me.

This about blew me over.

I dunno...maybe other people who know me well would agree with her. I'm not really sure. But I feel quite torn up about this, becuase it shakes up who I see myself as.

I don't want to defend myself, I don't want to try to explain myself away or anything else like that. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know what I'm looking at.

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