Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2004 - 8:40 a.m.

Yesterday marked 5 years since my mom died.
I had a really hard time. Cindee (my teacher, advisor and used-to-be boss)gave me a hug and asked me if it was getting easier and just as I opened my mouth to say yes I started crying and shaking.

Its been a long time since I've cried about my mom being gone. And though I reacted that way, I really do think it is getting easier.

I especially miss her on October 25th, and every holiday I think about her and wish she was with us, and of course on her birthday. And on those days I shed tears.

But this is a huge difference from 5 years ago when the tears would come every day and all types of random times.

After how I reacted to Cindee she said I could go home if I wanted to, that I didn't need to stay for class unless I wanted to, but I stayed. And I'm glad that I did. Better to be there, then home by myself.

The second class was over and I stepped outside the tears came back. I ran home and tried to compose myself, but I was having a difficult time. I gathered my stuff up and went to my next class...early. I found my teacher and tried to bravely tell him thru teared up eyes and a cracking voice that I was having a difficult day, the anniversary of my mom's death, and he was more than understanding.

But he also warned me we would be dealing with suicide, depression and death in class. He said to try to hang in there, and if I needed or wanted to leave, I could. He even began class saying that todays class would be difficult for some people and that we could step out for breathers if needed and he would stick around after class to talk with anyone who wanted to.

When I woke up yesterday I knew immediately that I wanted to wear my striped sweater. I had a hard time finding it, but I eventually did after digging through my clothes.

Once I got it on, I looked in the mirror and made faces at myself. This sweater is like 7 years old, gettin shabby and a bit frumpy. Definately out of style. But I just had to wear it!

It took me 3 hours to realize that my mom had given me that sweater and that was why I was being so insistent upon it.

Us girls have the best aunt in the world. She sent both Amber and I a card, candy and some money so that we could go do something yesterday.

Usually we go to tea, or do something similiar that reminds us of our mom. But I had class until 9pm, so that limited our options. After the day we were having, we decided we wanted to do something that would be fun in honor of our mom. Sooo, we went to the movies and saw Taxi. I laughed so hard, and it felt so good. Our mom would be pleased.

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